The Chinese general and
military strategist Sun Tzu famously wrote that the “supreme art of war is to
subdue the enemy without fighting.” Using empathy at the negotiation table is
the modern-day embodiment of this strategy.
A fundamental human need is to
feel accepted, validated, and understood by others. This reality means that
negotiation strategy is really about psychology. To get from Point A to Point
B, the skilled negotiator must exploit psychological principles – and this
means empathy must play a role.
Many negotiators view empathy
and sympathy interchangeably, and dismiss both as weak. Don’t confuse empathy
with sympathy! The difference is subtle but critical. Listen for the
difference:
- Sympathy:
“I understand how you feel. I feel terrible for you.”
- Empathy:
“I understand how you feel, and I understand why you feel that way.”
What’s the difference? Merriam-Webster
defines sympathy as the “inclination to think or feel alike,” a “feeling of
loyalty,” and the “tendency to favor or support” – in essence, agreement.
Sympathy almost never has a place at the negotiation table. In the negotiation
of a business deal or at settlement discussions, few clients would want to hear
their lawyer say to their adversary, “I get it – I agree it’s terrible what you
went through. So here’s the check you asked for.” The sympathetic negotiator
may not be much of a negotiator.
But the empathetic negotiator
approaches things differently. Consider the Merriam-Webster definition of
empathy: “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and
vicariously experiencing the feelings thoughts, and experience of another.” The
use of “vicariously” is critical here: unlike the sympathetic negotiator, the
empathetic negotiator understands her
adversary’s position, but doesn’t actually experience it or necessarily agree
with it. Instead, she uses empathy to let the adversary know that she hears and
understands him. By tuning into her adversary’s emotions instead of just the
words, the empathetic negotiator shows that she “gets it,” which helps the
adversary open up and share additional information that the empathetic
negotiator can use to her advantage. Think, “I get it – I understand why you
feel that way. So what if we…”
Think how much more effective a
negotiator you can be if you understand what’s important to your opponent and the
factors that got him there. Rather than taking a shot in the dark about what might
work or keeping the focus solely on you (or your client), when you understand
your adversary and use his own views to shape the conversation, you can
strategize around that and go a lot further, a lot faster.
Too many negotiators are
hell-bent on appearing authoritative, unflinching – like the “tough guy,” willfully
ignorant of the forces shaping the other side. But that’s an incredibly weak
negotiation strategy. Using empathy as a tool to make your adversary keep
talking and feel comfortable is key to letting the other side get what you want.
